….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
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Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?