WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
You Might Also Like
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
won’t smith
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me: