USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
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Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.