boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
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The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
Oops I deleted….
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life