Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
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Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.