Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
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I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…