Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
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[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
God grant me the audacity of my 7 year old who lost a tooth this morning and then asked me if the tooth fairy would give her a tenner because she yanked it out herself.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
BRO LMFAO
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.