“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
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Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk