[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
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From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?