I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
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“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it