aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out
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I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Love it! 👍😂
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
😆this is so true
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.