“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
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If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep