me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
omg leave her alone
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!