STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
only 11 steps left
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Damn what did I do next
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?