son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
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Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck