*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
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Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Ken is short for chicken
😂💯
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks