Watson was Holmes schooled
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I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath