I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
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Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I love how popular barn weddings are…because nothing says marriage like horse shit.
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.