not seeing the problem
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On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Just so funny
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.