My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
[Our sex tape gets leaked]
Wife: Now do you believe me that you snore?
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
who did the taste test?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.