CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
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Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
Good dog. ❤️
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..