Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
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A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.