(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
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stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.