Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
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I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids