they should invent a type of situation that improves.
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i dont have time for this
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.