Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
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Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
alien: we have come to destroy all humanity
me: hell yeah
alien: what? I said we have co-
me: hurry up
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash