Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
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In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”