Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
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Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Nice try Hitler
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Interior design 👌
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
back to work
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.