Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
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Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.