I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
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Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My husband is a keeper.
No, that’s not the word.
Hoarder. He’s a hoarder.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
The best shot in the history of golf
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant