If I text you “π€π₯Ίππ€¦ββοΈππ₯π€¨πππππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈππ€¦ββοΈπππππ€πππβ€οΈππ€¨” it means my 4 year old stole my phone.
You Might Also Like
Poetry is my passion
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I canβt take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, itβs just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Becauseβ¦tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
If my dogβs front feet move while heβs asleep then I know heβs dreaming about playing the piano. If itβs his back feet, tap dancing.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Unpopular opinion: I donβt like that country song about that road.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
the short answer to this question
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
My favorite thing is when thereβs not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and youβre just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated