MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
You Might Also Like
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.