barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
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If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Who wants to be my Valentine?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Rubbing a fire hydrant like a magic lamp, but instead of a genie, all I got was dog pee on my hands. Which was my wish, so we’re all good. Anyway, it doesn’t look like you’ve been flossing.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.