torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
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Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.