If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
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I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.