Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
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Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
concern
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
this came to me in a vision
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”