[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
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Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Nomnomnomnom