The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
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I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
[texting]
me: touching my duck n thinking of you
her: gross, go to hell
me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.