poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
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How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.