My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
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Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.