bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
You Might Also Like
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
oh shit
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles