You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
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The symmetry is uncanny.
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
*weighs self after shaving
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My fortune cookie fortune:
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