my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
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Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep