Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
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Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Sex so good you see dead people.
“The Perfect Relationship”
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Does your cat do that thing where he refuses to eat the stale bowl bikkies so you take the bowl up to the kitchen counter and shake it around a bit and then they think you’ve swapped it out for fresh bikkies and they happily crunch it up ehehehe what a tiny idiot
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.