Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
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Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
lol
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.