I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
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My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”