How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
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Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.