Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
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I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.