“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
You Might Also Like
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.