The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
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English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?